Dancing on the Edge of Loss
by subtle tea
Summary: Cora overhears Jane and Robert as she lies in bed ill.


A/N - This fic was inspired by JamesLuver's piece, _New Year Resolutions_, which I highly recommend.

Cora Crawley lay in bed ill. The doctor had said it was Spanish Flu and that several people in the house had come down with it. Those that were well had gotten to work managing the latest crisis to come upon Downton Abbey. The lady's maid, O'Brien, had barely left her side and everyone else had been so attentive. Well, almost everyone. Her husband, Robert, hadn't checked in on her once since she'd taken to bed.

The maid stood and removed the damp cloth from her forehead. "I'm just going for some more cold water for the basin and I'll bring a bit of ice as well. I won't be long, M'lady." As she was leaving, her mistress called her back. The look in her eyes said it all. "I'll try to find him again, M'lady."

As Cora lay there waiting for O'Brien to return, she heard familiar footsteps coming down the hall and the door to her husband's bedroom open and close. Robert. She'd know his presence anywhere. He would get ready for bed and come in to see her before he went to sleep. She waited anxiously. She had hoped they'd end the day with some kind words and she really needed them now that she felt so awful. After a short time she heard her husband's door open. She propped herself up in bed and looked at the door expectantly. It didn't open. She heard her husband's voice in the hallway. He was talking to one of the maids - Jane. Talking to Jane in a tone of voice that Cora had believed was reserved for her alone. Then she heard the door to his bedroom close and their voices whispering, punctuated by long pauses in that rhythm that passion takes on.

She could feel her world crumbling and her heart breaking. She had lost her place in his heart. It had been usurped somewhere along the way and she hadn't even noticed and yet, now that she thought about it, it all made sense. His distance and irritability. His lack of affection. She was in the way now. A burden to him. He'd found someone else that made him happy. All of a sudden she felt cold and abandoned. She sunk back down in the bed and tried to stifle her crying. She didn't want them to hear her. Didn't want to give that woman the pleasure of knowing she'd won. She heard Bates, her husband's valet, come to his door and leave and then later she heard the girl leave. That didn't matter much, though. She would be back and Robert would be there waiting to bestow upon her the kisses Cora craved.

O'Brien returned to find her mistress weeping inconsolably. "Calm down, M'lady, please. You'll make yourself worse. You have to calm down," the maid begged, but Cora paid no attention. She truly didn't care. Her mind was filled with visions of what a life in a loveless shell of a marriage would be like. She couldn't bare it and didn't want to try.

"Do you want me to look for his Lordship again?" O'Brien offered. "I think I heard Mr. Bates say he'd gone to bed, but I'll go and wake him if you'd like."

"Don't bother, O'Brien," Cora said between sobs, "he knows where I am." She kept crying and her fever deepened.

When the fever broke in the night, Cora managed to sleep, but it was a sleep filled with feelings of loneliness, emptiness, betrayal, and unrequited love. Her heartache wasn't dulled by slumber and it followed her through her nightmares. Morning found her fairing worse again, the fever having returned. O'Brien was at a loss. What could have caused her mistress to take such a sudden downturn. She rang the bell and soon Jane walked in. "Get ice and cold water!" O'Brien ordered,"A lot of it! I fear we haven't seen the worst yet."

Jane pause for a moment and looked at the frail, whimpering, mostly unconscious woman laying in that big stately bed. So that was what kept Lord Crawley from her embrace the night before. "What the devil are you waiting for, girl?" O'Brien snapped, "Go!"

"Thank you, O'Brien," Cora murmured so softly the maid could barely hear her.

"Just stay strong, M'lady, and we'll see you through this," O'Brien said squeezing Cora weak hand. When Jane returned with the water and ice, Cora was even sicker. "When the doctor arrives, send him here at once," O'Brien said as she soaked a cloth and held it to Cora's brow. "and tell everyone downstairs to tell his Lordship to come up here as soon as they find him. Let her daughters know, too."

"Yes, and I'll be sure to keep a lookout for his Lordship," Jane said. At that moment, as Jane took another long, critical look at the woman Robert was married to, Cora actually wished for death.

The next thing she knew she was opening her eyes to see her daughters, Anna, Mrs. Hughes, and O'Brien by her bedside. They all said how happy they were that she had pulled through. She knew it had been long and horrible, but she simply couldn't recall what had actually happened. It was as if someone had cut a hole in the day and she'd fallen in that morning and was just now emerging from the other side of it. Mary told her about Lavinia's death and Mrs. Hughes informed her of the situation in the servant's quarters. Robert, Matthew, and Isobel were making the calls and arrangements for Lavinia's funeral. As everyone else talked, O'Brien left the room on the pretense of taking the basin downstairs to be cleaned. On her way back, she went to Lord Crawley's study. "Her Ladyship is awake, M'lord."

"Thank God." Robert exclaimed with relief. He could not believe how close he had come to losing the one he held most dear. He loved her very much, but lately he hadn't been loving her particularly well and he had very nearly not been grated the chance to make amends. "I'll go up to see her now. This all can wait." He rushed past the maid and headed up the stairs to his wife's bedroom. After a few words were exchanged Mrs. Hughes decided that it was time for the husband and wife to be alone and hustled everyone else out. She had a feeling they had some talking to do.

He pulled a chair over to the bed. "A sight to gladden my heart," he said smiling.

"Is it?" Cora replied without an ounce of jest in her voice. Her words sent a chill through him. "I hope it is." He couldn't shake the feeling that she knew about Jane. He didn't know how, but he was convinced she knew and it tore his heart to shreds.

He tried to keep the conversation light just in case he was wrong. "You gave us quite a fright." He smiled at her again. How he hoped he was wrong.

"They told me about Lavinia." She said.

"The funeral is on Monday," Robert replied. He'd noticed her abrupt change of subject and he knew something was coming.

"I'd like to go if I can." Cora had now run out of things to say that weren't about Robert, her, the state of their union, and a maid named Jane. She searched his face for a comforting sign and offered him her hand fully aware that he might choose not to take it. When he did she felt a lump in her throat and tears in her eyes, but she managed to hold them back. She softly asked the question that had been hanging in the air for far too long - "We're alright, aren't we, Robert?"

"Of course we are," he said with that serious look she still found so very attractive after all their years together.

"Only I got so caught up in everything that I think I neglected you, and if I did I'm sorry." As angry as Cora was about the her husband's actions the night before, she knew that problems that had caused him to stray were bigger than one maid and not all his fault.

His heart was breaking. She had nearly died and he hadn't even looked in on her before the situation had gotten grave. He had been busy kissing a maid instead of caring for his sick wife and yet here she was talking about being sorry for neglecting him. "Don't apologize to me," he said and gave her hand another squeeze. He saw tears rolling down her cheeks and he gently wiped them away. "Don't cry, my love, it's alright now. Everything will be alright now."

"Robert, I know about you and Jane." Her tears came fast, but she was far to weak to carry on like she had the night before. "I heard you last night when I was laying here waiting for O'Brien to come back with water… and waiting for you to come to check on me."

"Cora, I know how terribly wrong it was and I'm so sorry." He didn't know what more he could say to her. "Jane will be leaving our employ this afternoon."

Cora looked down at her hands. Her attention was drawn to her wedding ring, weathered with age, but still beautiful. "When she leaves, will she have your heart with her?"

Cora looked up and saw tears in her husband's eyes. He reached over and stroked the tangled hair framing her face. "How can she when it has been in your possession for the last quarter century? My heart belongs to you. Last night was a mistake. Marrying you was the best decision I have ever made."

Cora spoke quietly. She was losing her strength and really should have been resting. "Last night I dreamt we were dancing like we used to, happy and smiling. We were so in love. Then the walls of the ballroom fell away and we were dancing on the edge of a huge void. You let go of me and I fell into the void. I just kept falling." She looked at him and teary eyed and reached for his hand again. "Don't let me fall, Robert," she pleaded "Hold me. Please, don't let me fall."

Robert sat on the bed with her and held her close. "I will never let you go, Cora. I love you and I will never let you go." He leaned back against the headboard. His wife wrapped her arms around him and laid her head on his chest. He stroked her head and held her tight. "We're alright, Cora."

The next time O'Brien went in to check on her mistress, she discovered both the Lord and Lady of the house sleeping soundly


End file.
